Madison West High School Class of 1958

“Senior” personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4″ (used to be 5’6″), searching for sharp-looking,sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are ! now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

Baby Boomer Blues

Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging Baby Boomers.

They Include:

• Herman’s Hermits — Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker.
• Ringo Starr — I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
• The Bee Gees — How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
• Bobby Darin — Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash.
• Roberta Flack — The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
• Johnny Nash — I Can’t See Clearly Now.
• Paul Simon — Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
• The Commodores — Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
• Procol Harem — A Whiter Shade of Hair.
• Leo Sayer — You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
• The Temptations — Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone.
• Abba — Denture Queen.
• Tony Orlando — Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
• Helen Reddy — I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
• Leslie Gore — It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To.
• Willie Nelson — On the Commode Again

This story was submitted by Nancy (Thielen) Ohmann

The Old Poodle
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she’s lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep sh@t now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey wh o had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

Moral of this story..

Don’t mess with old farts .. . age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Bullsh@t and brilliance only come with age and experience!

I have stolen this shamelessly from a friend and colleague from my “previous life” in Corporate America. Chuck

Just mature

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount”.

I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, “For you, Seniors, the coffee is free.”

Understand—I’m not old—I’m merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer—can’t hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit…not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I’m not old…I’m only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don’t call it gray…saying “blond” is just right.

My car is all paid for…not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer…get off of the road!”
My car has no scratches…not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”

My friends all get older…much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles…for sure,
But don’t call me old…just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they’re building today
Are so high that they take…your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I’m still in the running…in this I’m secure,
I’m not really old … I’m only mature

the buck stops here.